Back in Estonia I didn’t have much very supportive friends and they were kinda asses about stuff. I mean they were great to hang out with, but the emotional support part was a bit lacking. To be fair we were also in our 20s, that’s not really the time to have any kind of emotional intelligence lol. But now it’s different, here in Japan I feel I got much more supportive friends. Maybe it’s because I myself have become more emotionally intelligent? I don’t know lol. I guess it’s also the point that, knock on wood, I have the means to do the things I like rather than worry about whether the next financial setback would put me back YEARS of labor or not. Of course I do worry that this gravy train will end, but right now this entire blog setup I got is costing me like 12 bucks a month. That’s about half of my gym subscription! So yeah, at least this hobby I got isn’t a huge money sink for now.

I guess the other part of why I am feeling so free to post all the time is that the infrastructure and tools I got are much more “advanced” than what I had back in the 2010s. Remember Blogspot? Wordpress? They were slow, lumbering pieces of shit back then, they’re pieces of shit now. I guess the big thing here is that I got the fear of rejection: when I push my stuff into somebody, then they can go like wow this sucks, or wow this is great. My biggest fear is that I post something, and I get fucking banned for posting cringe lol. But now this fear has gone away: who the fuck is gonna ban me for posting on my own website, that I set up, that I pay for? I guess in that case it would be the government or the VPS provider, but hey, I’d take it as a badge of honor that I got somebody malding so bad with text that they felt the need to put a bullet in my head or a metaphorical one in the blog. Now THAT would definitely get me a wikipedia page fr! Don’t worry, I’m not gonna host any unsavory things here despite owning the mesugaki.party domain (I registered it only because it’s PROVOCATIVE okay, it gets the people going), all my stuff will be STRICTLY PG-13. That doesn’t mean you can just put your kid here and let him read my blog and hope he’ll come through it the same way he went in, but I’m saying that if my kid would read my blog, he would say “wow dad this shit is cringe” on a bad day rather than “wow dad this shit is gross, and should be illegal.”

All you need to write these blogs is hours of tinkering, reading docs (believe me dude, how can you tell the difference between slop and an actual project? Read the fucking manual). I’m not anti-AI either, since it can help you just get over some hump really quick. But it definitely takes away the learning opportunity when you are not paying attention.

Anyway I wrote a big ass list of THINGS I WANNA PROGRAM TODAY. Guess how much I did that: freaking zilch. I went walking with the stroller, talked with my wife about which rice cooker to buy (an entire hour, I ended up conceding and agreeing to get whatever she wanted), idk bathed the child, then fed the child (whatever times)… chilled for an hour..

I now got some “free time” but the baby’s getting hungry! Oh well, I guess it’s one of those days where you do what you can, rather than what you want LOL Read less

I’ve been really into this entire BBS aesthetic these days. I know like I used to be into darts big time last month and now I don’t play darts, but not because I lost interest in it, but because of my new life situation. The thing is that your hobbies etc. need to fit your LIFE, not your life around your hobbies IMO. So I’ve been thinking OK how can I have a hobby that’ll be something fun, and what I can start doing and stop doing any time I have the time.

For example, I used to play a lot of video games. But Video Games suck you in, yknow, and when I am on a roll, you can’t even “pause the game” as you used to back in the day. So video games are kinda out of the picture, since I can’t really play and feed the kid the same time.

Writing is one of the hobbies that I have for real done ever since I was in high school. Like for real, this is the only hobby that I’ve stuck with. I guess that’s because you don’t need much to write: either you use a computer, or you’ll use a pen and paper. I have like 15 years worth of diaries with my chicken scratch handwriting and all the tickets etc. sandwiched between the pages. It’s called Ephemera, you aren’t really supposed to keep these posters, tickets etc. but they hold a very valuable information about the places you’ve been to and what those places provided. Also the design sensibilities of the time etc. You can tell when a thing was roughly printed just by the paper and typography used!

I also like making music but y’know I’m living in a quiet house, and times when I wanna make music is when my wife wants to be quiet and do her things LOL. So I’m like ok music making is kinda in the picture, but maybe making it is a bit “not everywhere, not anytime” kind of thing.

So what’s the point of the story? The thing is that writing for me is the only hobby I can do. There’s not much difference between writing code and writing these texts TBF. I mean, obviously I’m exaggerating here, but once you hit that “flow state” there’s really not much difference, since you’re just moving and/or writing text.

What’s the future of this blog then? I’ll of course write down my stuff in the blog, but the point is that my BBS will be another way to interact with my stuff. And you guys know how much I LOVE when I have my computers do all my work for me, so I write into this place once, and all my BBS etc. will go and get my stuff for me haha.

ANYWAY. BIG THINGS AHEAD! Here’s what I’m going to do, hopefully at least ONE of these things before the end of the year (let’s see, my baby’s like totes magotes needy right now lol)

• I’ll set up the BBS, share it here
• share how to set up your own BBS as you want
• redesign this page a little bit to match more whatever vibes I want it to have (still unknown lol. I kinda like this pink-black aesthetic but it’s so standard…. I don’t wanna have a black background either with ANSI art either, cuz that’s too “warez” or smth)
• maybe make a puzzle game (yeah i’m shit at puzzle games and now I wanna make one. Go me, right? It’s all about the money dog) Now that Zachtronics is out of the picture, it’s my time to shine!

The big thing is that I love video games. Always have, always will. Ppl are whining that AI sloperators are stealing their game ideas. Tale as old as time. Incremental games suck, deck builders suck. Give me something to feel on.

As a surprise, I’m gonna list games I like, not a complete list, not in particular order:

• Digital: A Love Story
• Killer7. I’ve read this plot analysis like 15 times. it’s 100 pages in txt format dude. If that guy had Youtube, he’d be making 5 hour videos like WhiteLight in no time.
• PS2 era games had huge bangers, God Hand, Okami
• I still haven’t played other Estonian’s games like that Buckshot Roulette yet. I did play Disco Elysium tho, that was fun.
• Wario games
• Pizza Tower
• Date Everything!
• Doom (any)
• Nioh 2
• Rise of the Ronin (ngl out of the nu-Team Ninja games, Rise of the Ronin is the only one I could stomach. I did not finish Wo Long or Nioh 3.)
• Doki Doki Literature Club
• Zachtronics games (I have finished none. I liked Exapunks tho, that was so fun but then I realized it’s just an assembly coder lol)
• Tales of Maj’Eyal
• Elona
• Hammerwatch
• No Man’s Sky

Did you guys note this list does NOT list any roguelites (not roguelikes) or deck builders or multiplayer or incremental games? Or any of these live action always-online games… I really think that games should have a beginning and an end. If it does not have these things, then it’s work in disguise. Even roguelikes have an end (well, except Elona, but that’s a league of its own). That’s why I didn’t really get into Fortnite or Helldivers 2 so much. It’s just same shit over and over again. Some people can play one game forever, I can’t. I guess I don’t have the tism that hard for it.

I was kinda expecting my baby would now wake up and then it would be feeding time, but he’s still NOT hungry enough (if I try to feed him before he’s actually hungry, he’ll just spit it up… ughh!! Babies, am I right?) Oh well. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I guess I’ll try to set up the docker for my BBS and see where it goes.

Anyway why am I using docker - ain’t the point of these BBSes that you can just rawdog a server (i’m talking like a c64 or smth) into the world and just let it be? Ideally yes, but like I’m saying, I haven’t figured out how can I rawdog a server at home without getting pwned 24/7. I’m OK with losing data, but I can’t fucking deal with my wife’s data getting lost or my bank details getting stolen or smth yknow what I mean. Read less

I don’t wanna say that the big cough and lockdowns were a good thing, but the people’s tolerance to bullshit have lowered a lot after that. I was talking to my coworkers and I said the word FAANG. I corrected myself and I said it’s now called “MANGA” - Meta, Amazon, Netflix, Google, Apple. They were like “huh, that’s not right. N is for Nvidia right?” Well, it used to be Netflix for like 5 years straight, but I guess the times have changed huh? Who has a NETFLIX subscription these days anymore? I guess nobody, because Big Mouth finally ended last year. Fucking Big Mouth, dude! All my favorite shows got cancelled after the second season (Inside Job, my beloved…), but not Big Mouth. It got a spin-off too, can you believe that?

Anyway, the main part of all this is that with the way how the Internet is becoming a hostile place. Japan is getting reamed big time dude, the poor old Galapagos Island is just getting hacked up the wazoo. Back in my day the worst thing that could happen was getting attention of some terminally online “special interest” having “person” and getting doxxed. But now, the internet is now straight up hostile: You wanna rent a car? The privacy notice is now more like a “privacy suggestions”. Protip if you are in Japan right now, just fucking accept that you might as well have put your driver’s license up for grabs.

The Internet that “will be”

I am envisioning it a bit, but I think we’re gonna move back from high-speed internet to this WAP (not the fun kind, I’m talking about Wireless Application Protocol), IRC and TELNET era of internet. Sure, it’s going to suck shit for all the dopagaki out there, and they can’t just doomscroll endlessly until the cows come home. I’m thinking that instead of having just “3 pages that you refresh over and over” (for me, it’s either 4chan, Reddit, or Youtube, with a side of err.ee), we’ll move away from all this “4K HD Always On-Line Live Streamed And Own Nothing, Get Hacked Fuckhead Send Me Bitcoin” shit to “low filesize, everybody is a server” standard mode of existence on the Internet. Straight up we’ll move back to BBSes. FOR REAL.

Now the big question is “why the hell are we going back to text-based mode of communication? I like having image previews etc.” I’m glad you asked. The answer is quite simple: it’s the money! The whole idea why we’re getting hacked and why are we being enraged and threatened all these days is that there is a direct financial incentive to do so. As long as you dance to some horror’s fiddle and empty your pockets, you will be kept unhappy and poor. You will be taught that you are powerless, and that you are surrounded by competition and enemies. And you will be told to never ask Why did things get this bad in the first place? If you find that there is a financial incentive to make your entire neighborhood’s life miserable, and say that “hey these people should stay out of our homes”, people will say you are drawing “incorrect conclusions”, that you are a racist, or a lunatic. This isn’t a racist dog whistle, okay. I’m saying that you and I can’t live in this state of permanent stress, and somebody made it this way.

Japan of course is a great place, I think one of the only few places in the world where you can work any job, and have enough money to pay for rent, eat and even have a couple of beers at the pub. It won’t be a luxurious existence, of course, but I remember having my first job in Estonia and I was like “Fuck, I paid my rent, now the winter is coming. I got nothing in my hand anymore!” Japan’s hiring of new grads is also making sure that if you have graduated from the “right universities”, you will find a stable job.. Of course if you graduate from the wrong university, it’s fucking over for you, but at least you got a shot. When I moved here, I was a waiter god damn it, and now I’m a software engineer. I turned my life around here because I wanted to do so, and I could speak Japanese. If I had come to any company in 2016 with just hopes and dreams of becoming a software engineer, I’d be kicked out of the door because I didn’t major in computer science. I’m telling you, people shouldn’t be screwed over just because they made a bad choices down the line. We can’t live like it’s a min-maxxing RPG.

So how will this New Internet help us keep this lifestyle? Simple: phoneposters will be completely segregated from the thinkers. If you don’t own a real computer with a real keyboard, you will be left out. Gatekeeping, for a lack of a better word, is good. Gatekeeping is right. Gatekeeping works. Gatekeeping clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. BBS, with its text-only interface, will reject anybody who can’t RTFM and the AI lusers will burn through their tokens trying to analyze ANSI graphics on what to do next. Once again, I’m not being a chud here. I will not stand for bigotry and hate, but I will stand against ignorance and stupidity. You got to know how to drive a car to go on the road. You got to know how to handle a knife at the kitchen to cook. So why do we try to make the internet MORE accessible to these people who can’t read or write? My utopian idea as a teenager was the internet is like an Library of Alexandria, the infinite wealth of knowledge and culture will open us up to the New Age of Enlightement. Unfortunately, and I must stress this enough, there is a huge financial incentive to keep people stressed, afraid and poor. If you have the means to think, then that means you have the means to reject. If you have means to connect, you have the means to resist. Divide and conquer, it works every time!

I wish that when my child gains consciousness, he will not live in a world of fear and outrage, but with learning and understanding, with the means to build the future he would want to have with HIS children. And indeed, maybe he would finally be able to go to space. We will not be able to go to space and conquer planets and galaxies when we are split up this way. I really think things are getting BETTER rather than worse, as long as we want it and work for it. Read less

Anyway the past 2 weeks every since the baby got born, I’ve been just cleaning and throwing away shit like crazy. I had moved to this house 2 years ago and everything that has been stuck in the closets for those 2 years I’ve been putting those in the bin. And boy howdy I sure have a lot of stuff.

My wife had a real hard time yesterday cuz my baby has that witching hour thing. I finally went out and bought a pacifier, so when the baby gets afraid of the dark, I can at least think of plopping it into his mouth.

Otherwise I’m like thinking wtf am I gonna do this month. It’s halloween, I’ve been invited to 2 parties and I’m here giving my boy some tummy time and getting puked on and whatever. It is what it is.

I’ve been thinking big time like what kinda product I should launch myself. I got the FM-1 synthesizer from Aliexpress finally and I installed Jiant to it first but it felt more like a vibe than something to play. Jiant’s design is so cool though, ngl.

IF THE MANUAL SUX, YOUR PROJECT’S DEAD, EXAMPLES.

I installed Melodee today, and IMO I think I’m gonna prefer this more. Sure, Melodee only has like N amount of engines, but Melodee’s manual actually feels like a manual.

IDK brah I’m feeling it big time that when you need to judge if the vibe coded slop is actually good or not, all you need to do is read the manual. If it’s word salad, then that’s a huge red flag. See: Sloop’s manual. Play it live: hold a button, touch a key

Every function button is a layer: hold it and the 16 white keys and the four knobs change job, and the screen shows how. Tap it and its pages open. Hold a layer button and tap HOME to lock it open, both hands free.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PARAGRAPH EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE? How do the header and the paragraph even going together?

I really feel that since people don’t read books anymore, then they don’t even know how to judge anything that’s been in the written long-form. They know they need to deliver information to the nerds, after all, a synthesizer MUST have a manual right? But writing stuff is hard! Thinking about how to make a logical beginning, middle part, and ending is so hard! A manual is like a guide, but it’s so much easier to slop it out and let the data center just list all the button combinations you can press and what it does. And hey, if it’s not actually working, then “You are absolutely right! This manual is a piece of shit” will come your way.

Anyway the whole problem with these slopped out “projects” is that people don’t even do the basic google search first. Winamp subreddit is whining how ppl are slopping out “winamp clones”. My dudes, we got winamp at home already and it’s literally winamp! You can literally download winamp right now and it will work just like it used to. If you want something more “modern”, get Wacup. It just works dude!

My conspirative mind is telling me that maybe, just maybe, it’s not even people making these slopped out shit. Why not have these AI agents choose what to slop out, then slop slop slop slop the github and slop slop slop slop slop some poor bastard ko-fi patreon slop.

If people had to put in the actual work to make their “dream projects” work, then they’d quit the first second things get hard, because their “dream project” is kinda doo-doo. Now we got all this good little computers giving you the thing, and you can see “wow it’s working somewhat like I expected.”

IDK man like how many FM-1 firmwares will we need? 28 synth engines in one FM? Sir, please! Sometimes the best thing you can do to your project is NOT add in whatever crap that got you excited for 5 seconds. You really gotta understand that there is some person that’s going to interact with your product, and they don’t need 28 synth engines, just 4 good ones are more than enough!

Ya feel me, like LESS IS MORE right? Now it’s like more is more. It’s kind of pornographic at times. So much crap being flung.

I’ve been yeah cutting down on my screen time and thinking about what’s making me happy. It’s not thining about computers, that’s for sure. I’ve been reading “The Disaster Artist” about that stupid “The Room” movie and it’s just HILARIOUS!

IDK man like overall ever since I got my gallbladder removed I’ve been feeling better. My memory has improved, and I just don’t feel as depressed as I used to. Well, I still do feel depressed, but not like “oh man I really can’t move” kind of way, but more in an overwhelmed kind of way. On the other hand, I’ve been REALLY getting a lot of stuff done too. So idk, it is what it is.

BRB my baby’s stirring and seems like the witching hour is at hand. It’s halloween after all haha. IDK he starts crying every day around 17. I hope this pacifier and baby stroller walk will work.

nvm seems like he was just feeling lonely. I patted his head and he fell right asleep. Read less

The thing is whenever I write out about my childhood people will be like “so what! At least your mom/dad/guardiand(s) didn’t beat and/or sexually abuse you!” When I hear shit like this I’m like “fuck, am I in the suffering olympics? I didn’t know the bar was this low!”

Anyway the whole deal was that I was thinking about making new friends and I was listening to one of my favorite albums: Emerson, Lake & Palmer’s Tarkus and I was like literally 13 beers in (I’m not kidding dude, I’m 105 kgs in and I can drink beer OK). I thought about my album as I was teetering back home, and I was listening to an album. It wasn’t Jimi Hendrix or some shit, it was Emerson, Lake and Palmer’s Tarkus.

The whole thing why it made me emotional was that I was really tight with this guy in high school. We both liked ELP, and also he was really good on the piano. And when we graduated from high school, he invited me over to his apartment in the same university town (Tartu), which is where I was in. And boy howdy, I realized how poor I was. I saw his apartment, how nice and spacious it all was.

I was envious all right! God damn, I was envious! I never spoke to him again after that day. I would tell myself it was because we had grown apart or whatever, but god damn, it was all cope. It was all about the feeling of inadequacy. More than 5 years we lived in the same town, going to the same places, and we didn’t talk to eachother since.

I’m really sad about all these friends I had in high school and I haven’t seen since. Some because of me, some of because of them (they straight up killed themselves). Now it’s been like what 15 years since I graduated, right? I still end up thinking about them sometimes.

I guess that’s what nostalgia is, the pain of the past and what could’ve been.

Anyway I tried texting him through Facebook and within 10 minutes I realized: FUCK, some dudes never change! I tell them a joke, they’ll be like “are you telling me a joke?”. And I’m like YES, motherfucker, I’m just kidding around!! God damn, dude! Same shit as 15 years ago!!

I don’t know dude, where was I going with this thing. Uhhh, like your brain can tell you all these stories, but then you realize they are not true at all. Like I thought my piano dude was like not available for whatever reason, but he’s still right there the same way. So like, it is what it is, and enjoy what you can. IDK man that’s the whole story LOL! Read less