20261023_000814 POVERTY
tags:POVERTY
Yes sirree I grew up poor. Not like in the way like my momma would need to scrounge together money to buy food (well, tbf she did), but more in the way that I saw people around me and understood they didn’t have to think about the same things I did.
The thing is whenever I write out about my childhood people will be like “so what! At least your mom/dad/guardiand(s) didn’t beat and/or sexually abuse you!” When I hear shit like this I’m like “fuck, am I in the suffering olympics? I didn’t know the bar was this low!”
Anyway the whole deal was that I was thinking about making new friends and I was listening to one of my favorite albums: Emerson, Lake & Palmer’s Tarkus and I was like literally 13 beers in (I’m not kidding dude, I’m 105 kgs in and I can drink beer OK). I thought about my album as I was teetering back home, and I was listening to an album. It wasn’t Jimi Hendrix or some shit, it was Emerson, Lake and Palmer’s Tarkus.
The whole thing why it made me emotional was that I was really tight with this guy in high school. We both liked ELP, and also he was really good on the piano. And when we graduated from high school, he invited me over to his apartment in the same university town (Tartu), which is where I was in. And boy howdy, I realized how poor I was. I saw his apartment, how nice and spacious it all was.
I was envious all right! God damn, I was envious! I never spoke to him again after that day. I would tell myself it was because we had grown apart or whatever, but god damn, it was all cope. It was all about the feeling of inadequacy. More than 5 years we lived in the same town, going to the same places, and we didn’t talk to eachother since.
I’m really sad about all these friends I had in high school and I haven’t seen since. Some because of me, some of because of them (they straight up killed themselves). Now it’s been like what 15 years since I graduated, right? I still end up thinking about them sometimes.
I guess that’s what nostalgia is, the pain of the past and what could’ve been.
Anyway I tried texting him through Facebook and within 10 minutes I realized: FUCK, some dudes never change! I tell them a joke, they’ll be like “are you telling me a joke?”. And I’m like YES, motherfucker, I’m just kidding around!! God damn, dude! Same shit as 15 years ago!!
I don’t know dude, where was I going with this thing. Uhhh, like your brain can tell you all these stories, but then you realize they are not true at all. Like I thought my piano dude was like not available for whatever reason, but he’s still right there the same way. So like, it is what it is, and enjoy what you can. IDK man that’s the whole story LOL!